Ashley (deadly_desires) wrote in two_pack,

I haven't posted anything in here in a long time... So i figured that I'd let you know that I'm still alive.. I just haven't felt compelled to share my morbid thoughts with the rest of the world...Do you understand what I'm trying to say?... Its like why bother trying to tell everyone what i'm feeling when all their going to do is just give me looks of pitty and call me crazy...

well neways.. A lot has happened since I last posted in here... For starters.. I'm beginning to think that there is something wrong with me.. Mainly because me and my ex-boyfriend broke up almost 2 months ago.. and yet I can't stop thinking about him... He's hurt me a lot over the last 10 months of our relationship.. yet I can't stop loving him.. and I don't know why... Its weird.. I have this constant of having him near me.. but yet.. when I do see him.. I have this pain in my chest.. and I feel like I'm about to cry... Sometimes I feel like he killed himself and I'm just left with all these unanswered questions.. which is basically what happened.. cuz he said that it was over and that I can never talk to him again... no reason... no excuse... just its over... So I don't know what I did wrong... and why he feels this way.. and it hurts alot...

Lately I've been feeling kinda empty... and being the stupid retard that I am.. I thought it might be because of the lack of sex that I've been having.. so I've been screwing guys left and right.. hoping that it would fill this void that I have... But as you can tell... my void hasn't been filled.. some might say that its emptier now.. then it was before...Its weird how when you have sex with someone you love... its meaningful.. and magical... but when you have sex with someone you don't know... its purely physical.. theres no meaning behind it.. its just sex... I guess I thought that I could feel the void with it.. but after the soreness wears away.. you end up feeling worser than when you started...

I've been holding everything in lately.. and i know that i shouldn't... but i can't help it.. whenever I try to tell someone just what I'm feeling.. they get all defensive and yell at me.. screaming and asking why I'm not over him yet.. and that I'm better than him... And in the end.. its just going to make me feel shittier... so why not spare myself anymore pain.. and just hold it all in.. and then hold the tears back when I see him.. and then cry as soon as I'm alone...

Whats funny is that when people say that I'm better than my ex... I can't help but think.. then why do I feel like I'm beneathe him?
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